But, I have to say, I kinda enjoy letting my mind wander.
I sometimes wonder how I am able to kinda love a job that's killing me. I look around me and everyone on the team is burning out. The sparkles in the eyes are now dim, and the glow of the skin is fading. Is there a sense of loyalty we feel for the others in our team? Are we missing the big picture or simply floating around in this abyss as we do not honestly know what else to do? Is this just a stop at a dingy train station before we head off in a different way? What about those who stay? Why do they stay? Is there a neighborhood round the corner of the train station that I have missed?
But yeah, somehow I like feeling awesome when a task gets done and I'm scared that I won't be able to be as awesome in a different job. What a wimp. What a kiasu coward. Why do I continue to struggle this want to stay and this need to go?
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I also wonder about dad. I thought, losing someone so close to your heart, the person that basically shaped you to be the person you are today, is like having a fractured bone. That fracture may never heal, and when a little pressure gets put on to it, it hurts, you cry. I cry. Thinking about it hurts, standing in front of his grave and seeing his photo hurts, It just hurts from all these un-given love. I have so much more love to share with him, to bask him with, but he is not here to let me.
Honestly, I sometimes regret and resent my job for taking time away from my family, especially dad when he was in the hospital. But, then I can't blame my job, I made those choices. Those stupid stupid choices.
I know he loved me, but he didn't quite like this adult I have become. How my principles and beliefs have changed. Or maybe they never changed but were always repressed.
When he passed,I felt this overwhelming sense to really be me and be a counsellor / therapist.
But, for some reason I'm still in this job I kinda love but kinda hate.
In a sense, I don't know how to be me. I just know how to be moulded into what my family wants me to be.
Perhaps it's time to reexamine me.
Such first world problems.
