hormones have reverted

I am sure I have blogged about this before. Where I state that I actually am unusually angsty and emotional but when PMS comes around, I am completely happy and satisfied.

So, my normal stance is to be emo, angsty and irrationally irritable. Lacking some hormones or just born this way?

Well, looking back. My emotions seem to generally be at the level of what people would normally call PMS and; people only tend to like me more when I am actually PMS-ing (which is when I'm all happy and bubbly).

Perhaps if I have nothing nice to say, I should not say anything at all. Ok, I shall keep my opinions and emotions to myself. ALLLLL to myself. That way no one would ever see my true self.

My life shall be led out with a poker face. Of which I already have anyways.

Sometimes it seems that I just do not want to allow myself to be happy.

Sometimes... I watch myself sabotage myself.

The Teddies...

... they let me in even when I was pimply and still acted like a child.

(sorry ar, Kai not here but she is very much missed too :)) PS: did we ever managed to get a photo all together yet?

Because I was just flipping through old cards and came across the photo-book the Teddies gave me way back when I was 19 years old.

"parting is such sweet sorrow"

parting is sweet sorrow

I understand it now

I look around the room

everything is scattered

yet there is nothing

but then I find...

your book, your scent and even a piece of your hair

I smile.

Only you can make me smile and cry at the same time

you make parting so sad yet so sweet

you play me a song, telling me that you love me

you play me a song, telling me that you dream of me even when we're apart

darlin, only you can make such emptiness whole again.

feeling reality...

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something about artists

Artists... I admire how their brains work.

A few people whose work I can't help but gawk at.

The Bedroom Philosopher (who Carol, Edgar and I recently interviewed on 9th Oct http://www.polyfonix.com.au/listen.html)

Mondo Guerra: one of the designers on 'Project Runway'

Mark Watson: UK stand up comedian

Rage Against the Machine: rock out!!!

James Nachtwey: technically a journalistic photographer but... he cool yo

Tina Fey: come on, you gotta know who she is!

---

Jiayueh Choong: me fren, ze artist

http://jiayueh.blogspot.com/

---

And, of course... DINO!: http://www.muziboo.com/daveyoong/music/sunshine/

my inherent desire to punish myself

I realised when I find things are going too smoothly, I have an inner desire to hurt myself.

I push people away, make myself depressed, sometimes numb my emotions and bite/tear at my skin.

It is as if it is only then I can feel a little bit more connected to this world.

My mother was right, there is always a hint of sadness in my "attempted poetries". Even when I try to write a happy one.

Deep down, I honestly do believe that I do not deserve to be happy.

I question everything that has gone right.

I am sorry.

bitch on...

sometimes I wonder whether to be a bitch or to be bitched upon

a few things in life have been troubling me and I have been turning a blind eye hoping it would all just smoothen out eventually or even just go away.

Instead, all became too much and I had to blurt out all my frustrations. And, I never find that I am justified to complain about anything, no matter how much it bothers me. Yet enduring the trampling is not healthy.

Ah well, what is done is done. If I shall be punish for my mistakes, so be it! I shall take the bashing, I will take the hits.

the good, the bad, the happy and the sad

and so much more...

I want it all

Homesick

After 4 years, I finally genuinely miss home.

Thanks erratic winter rain for reminding me how great home is.

People get busy...

... no one always has the time to help solve your problems or just plain chill with you in this rat race of a world.

People get busy presenting stuff, writing stuff, teaching stuff but are they actually listening?

Some people get busy but they find time and patience to sit with you.. and LISTEN.

(or sometimes just sit with you... that's nice too :) )

Keanu Reeves sits with a Homeless Guy

Stretch

I have been wondering recently if I have stretched myself a little too thin these past two weeks.

I have now fallen sick. Is my body is telling me to slow down?

Yet, at the same time, I look around at everyone and I feel like they are doing so much more.

So, how come they can take it and I can't!?

Maybe I should do more! I should push myself! More more more...

But, I am sick and feeling a tad bit miserable.

It is back to Melbourne and the constant questioning of whether I am doing enough.

In some ways, I want to continue to stretch but when do I say stop? Do I ever say stop? Do I actually want to stop? Maybe I just want to keep going until I crash?

At the moment, I am just waiting for my body to crash because I feel so miserable I just can't get to sleep.

I just want this infection out of me.

Open

Be more open, he says.

Make more friends, he says.

Be more open

You kids don't know what love is.

Falling in love is puppy love

It is not true love

It is just good company and someone to talk to when you're lonely.

Be more open, he says.

But, my heart has its own desires, it has its own disdains.

Are you open to hear them out?

Would you be open to hear what I love? What I hate?

What I believe in and what I doubt?

My heart is open, I say

Open to new love

So, let me savour the march of new sensations just rushing in for the moment

Let me truly be open

It is time for your gates of advice to step aside

Behind your shields of advice I have hid for a while

It is time I step into battle, vulnerable

I will feel all the aches and hurt you have helped me avoid

Be more open, you say.

Well, to you, I say, I am.

talent

Jealous of all the talents that I am not.

But, I'd rather...

I dropped a plastic bottle I saw at the Empire shopping mall as I attempted to open it up to see how it looked inside. My dad snickered as I quickly picked up the bottle and placed it hastily back on to the shelf.

Upon rushing out of the shop, I asked my dad why was he laughing and this was his reply: "I see that you know how to dress like a model nowadays (I do not agree but perhaps I just don't dress as tomboy anymore) but you still act like a child. So 'chor lor' and no grace."

But, I'd rather... act the way I naturally am than second guess my every move because I have tried that before and it is seriously bad for my self esteem and confidence. I'd rather stay young at heart. Curious, and open to expressing myself freely (aka laughing my loud hearty laughs).

---

A few people have suggested that perhaps I should start putting on some makeup. I mean, after all, that's what grown women do eh? I dunno. Sometimes the idea of makeup eludes me.

Makeup does make quite a big difference, I suppose.

But, I'd rather...catch some extra snooze than have to wake up a few minutes earlier to put makeup on. Yes, I'd rather sleep.

---

Wearing high heeled shoes would make my big calves look slimmer and my legs look longer.

But, I'd rather... be comfortable when walking and not have my toes all cramped up into a mangled yoga pose.

Speaking of which, some girls must have very flexible feet 'cause I just cannot make my toes/feet bend that way in those 5 inch heels.

---

My future seems to be in the corporate world as a working professional.

But, I'd rather...

Home to some spiciness

Yes, so I have been in Malaysia for 2 weeks now.

And boy oh boy. I have been sort of a 'spice queen'. Craving tom yam or curries where ever I go.

In fact, I cooked up a dish last night which clearly had too much spice in it which is evidence of my hankering.

Sorry, photography a bit the fail.

Anyways, anyone up for some spicy meals?! I'd be happy to accompany.

Although, I really should watch that little lump of flab that has developed on my tummy. Hmm~

PS: Thanks Yong for organising that little seafood outing! You're the gal~

the attraction, the magnet

The love that you see from another's eyes that draws you to them.

Maybe that's the attraction.

Love.

Because noone else will care as much as they do.

if you rly wanna know what goes thru my head...

I really should get like a consistent title for the random thoughts that get stuck in my head sometimes

For example, as I read an email my father sent me about how certain phrases like "I miss you", "I will be there for you", etc can foster greater relationships between friends and partners.

One of the phrases was "maybe you're right".

People like being right, don't they? Even when they aren't. Like, how I like people laughing at my silly jokes when they weren't actually that funny to begin with.

We all like being right. So how many people are telling us the truth? If we like people that think that we are right and hence become closer to them. Are we just lying to ourselves? Aren't the people who tell us we are wrong, actually indeed the people who are honest and worth keeping around.

...

And, another thought, models are just expensive canvases.

to be in love at 50

that's what I wanna see.

It's just...

Sorry if I am angry. I am angry at myself.

It's just all these expectations that I do not see for myself.

Expectations of what I think the other wants.

But, I have no want to do it. I have no want to be it.

So, I am sorry if I am angry. I am just disappointed in myself.

A bad habit...

... of detachment.

Watching the world from the outside in.

As long as he smiles

I am reverting back

My body is telling me that something is wrong. I have 3 ulcers in my mouth.

Yes, simultaneously! And, it has been hurting for 3 days now. Makes me tired and grumpy. Well, more grumpy I suppose. It also makes swallowing saliva a bit of a pain.

So, shopping in Queen Victoria market today, I decided that I needed some spinach in my diet.

Armed with ingredients from the market, I made curry and tossed in some carrots, tomatoes and lots of spinach. (note: I did not make curry from scratch.)

And, yes, white porcelain bowl makes my food look a little more appetizing than it really is. HAHA!

TIL: Today I learnt...

... a couple things about myself:

1. I have found my natural talent - 'saying the wrong thing all the time'

[Note to self: not everyone takes jabbing jokes lightly. This way of making friends is only effective in Malaysia (maybe?)]

2. I own very few t-shirts that do not make some sort of statement or has a drawing of some sort in front of it

[Does that mean I'm cheap? ie. I am not willing to pay for a t-shirt that doesn't have enough on it? Yeah, I am CINA that way]

---

I also learnt that ...

Food seldom ever looks unappetizing in a white porcelain bowl

[I bought two new bowls 'cause I broke two in the course of ... two months *clap hands everyone* Thank you]

Petrichor

That's the smell of rain.

"Rain, is a deceitful plan of mother nature

It leads with a beautiful smell before it lands

Guiding us into a flurry of chaos and wind

Drenching us in the sorrow of tears

Ah, mother, why do you lie to us so?

The winds, they gust they screech

The droplets hit with such gist

Painful is the experience of rain

But when it stops it leaves us no pain

It leaves with a beautiful smell

It leaves with a lingering sparkle

It leaves us with a breath of sweetness

A beauty of wonders and a freshness of bare

Rain, so deceitful sometimes.

Yet it always announces its presence

Through that beautiful smell

Lift your nose up to that inhale of petrichor."

Just some random words that flooded my mind as I walked toward the law school, smell of oncoming rain filled my lungs. And, true to Melbourne weather, the seemingly mild day turned into a a big flurry of winds and a downpour of rain.

I observe my oddness

As I sat at the edge my class today, in a dark corner, my classmates so kindly ask why do I sit all alone in the darkness.

I say: "Because I want to."

I enjoy my solitude. Yet when I see a group of familiar faces (or perhaps just familiar accents?), I still yearn to be part of them. Then, I like returning to my solitude again.

But, I find solitude is too quiet. So I turn to music, I turn to shows to watch. All of this, so that I have some noise around me as I enjoy my solitude.

It makes me wonder, do I actually enjoy being left alone? Why do I think I want to be alone when I still find myself not entirely enjoying 'isolation'.

Boy, this is beginning to sound like that song 'Lemon Trees'. The writer too seems to give out confusing messages in that song.

Tell me, what is it about my personality that makes me weird?

I often wonder what people actually say behind my back. I bet they hate me for running away from social gatherings at times etc. I bet they think I'm rude. I bet they think I am a snob.

I bet they can't understand what I'm about 'cause even I don't.

People often say to stop thinking so much, but, really, I don't think I could stop myself.

---

On a side note, I was watching 'America's Next Top Model' and I noticed that people who are considered to 'not have personality' are people who are not divas, preppy, or just plain crazy.

Seriously, Tyra, stop sending weirdos to teach your great lessons 'cause the models are getting a little confused as to what is 'real' and what is not.

Just jump, like Alice

He says:

i don'tknow. lately i've realised, there's so much i don't know. it feels like i don't really know her.

I say:

but tis like picking a book to buy

u just go for it

judging from the summary, the cover, the title, the writer, and the few pages u hv flipped thru

u just gotta decide

"Jump into the rabbit hole"

It was just time...

I looked at my shadow on the ground. It looks different now but ... I like it :)

No, it is not just me having my hair tiedback

it's a trap

Can't wait till this one whole year of law subjects are over.

Should have done what I really WANTED to do from the start.

Hopefully some of this will come in use.

Meanwhile, I wonder how to escape...

will always be you

Drawing by Neko of deviantart

And he whispered into my ear, the words I will never hear from another.

Someone always lingers... you linger, here, in my heart.

143~

Healthy is being simple

Eating healthy is really quite simple.

Take for example, my lunch today.

All I did, literally, was toss in rice and salmon (seasoned with herbs) into the rice-cooker.

After that was done, I mixed in some mixed salad leaves I got from the market and walah!

And, just to add a bit more fiber into my diet, I ate an apple.

In fact, it was a lot less time and effort compared to eating out :P

dumping the rubbish

Sometimes, I do not enjoy putting out the trash.

No, not because it's smelly and it's yucky.

It's because I start to wonder how much damage am I doing to the earth.

Every small change makes a difference.

Who are we?

I was walking across the street.and as a car just barely drove past me.

I wondered how it would feel like to get hit by it.

something told me it'd feel good.

What is in this life before the end?

Am I meant to be me?

A life capable of taking others

A life meant to be cruel

A life with no real meaning

Not even in truth.

Am I meant to be you?

A life that came with no reason

A life produced to belong

A life that comes and leaves alone

Believing in mythical beings and trivial songs.

Does living give it meaning?

Does finding meaning make the living?

All I hear is explaining,

All I hear are excuses;

All I hear is screaming,

All I hear is war.

Note: I do not feel as emo as this post sounds.

My first (real) PMS?

I have always believed that I have hormonal problems. Ever since I realised that my acne problem is not like any average person's acne problem, I started to notice how my emotions react rather differently especially when my little 'monthly visitor' comes to town.

It used to be that when I am totally fine and blood-free, I was depressed, emotional and broke into tears for absolutely no reason. But, when the 'monthly visitor' is about to come knocking, I feel an uplift in my spirits and I suddenly have all this energy to take care of myself. I'd want to look pretty, make everything neat and tidy etc etc.

Recently, depressive moods have been a bit of a past and my 'monthly visitor' has yet to come for its expected visit.

And before I could say 'fishsticks', yesterday, I had a complete breakdown. I knew I had hit the rock bottom of my emotions when 'Fake Plastic Tree's' starting swarming my head and was playing repeatedly in my head. I knew I had hit rock bottom when all I craved for was 'stewed pork and lotus on rice' (which I didn't get, btw, they totally conned me by putting sth else to substitute the lotus so that didn't help my mood either).

And, just when I thought I was feeling better after a run (as recommended by Dino), I come home to find the feeling cropping up again and I break down all over again.

I have a feeling these are symptoms of PMS. However, I am not sure since my symptoms have always been the opposite and breaking down was part of my daily routine.

Whatever it is. Thank you to those who were ever so patient to deal with my turmoils. Especially someone who did not even deserved to see me mad at all. You know who you are.

So, I suppose this is a little warning to those who hear me start humming a certain song. Get it out of me, quick!

Is it time to grow up?

I will be turning 22 this year.

Yet, I don't feel like it at all. Perhaps I have taken life a little too easy.

The kid in me still holds a strong hold over my character.

I feel like I still crave attention from my loved ones, the way little kids do. Not wanting them to leave whenever they have to. Clinging on to their legs when they have to go.

In that way, I still feel like a kid.

The cuddles and the hugs are strongly missed.

Honestly, I still don't understand how people grow out of acting like kids.

When I bust out a kiddish laughter or a kiddish prance, a weight lifts from me and I'm happy again.

It somehow feels good to be emotional like a kid, curious like a kid, easily tickled like a kid.

Life feels new again.

Life becomes a little less about the rat race for that instrument with no actual sincere value set up by 'the man' (money).

Maybe I have been born in the wrong era because sometimes I feel like a 70's child.

But they grew up too and got jobs- ended up in the race pursuing that valueless piece of paper.

How do we always let the system push us into maze of a trap? Tricking us into thinking we had a choice. But, did we ever really?

Probably am being overly cynical but I suppose the closer I get to stepping into the corporate world, the more I am opposed to the idea.

Is it time to grow up? Is it time to let go of my tight grip on simplicity?

Can I still keep holding on to my childhood dreams?

Maybe we are alone

No matter how much we want to NEVER be alone.

No matter how much we crave to be one part of 2.

NO matter how much we want to forever be supported by someone by our sides all the time.

No matter...

We still are alone. Everything we do is still up to our own personally will and strength.

We were born alone, we fight alone, we live alone and we shall die alone.

With Every Light

Throw the weight up off you shoulders now

That we can show our love

It's almost over it's almost over

No more war and no more soldiers

To stand against his love

Away with all the troubles that you've made

Away with waiting for another day

Away

Look ma the sun is shining on me

Impatient, in love and aching to be

Could you believe in heaven

If heaven was all you had

-'With Every Light' by Smashing Pumpkins

the loser

So, maybe I try too hard.

Maybe I am that sad chubby girl on her first date.

Finally being able to act out all that she has dreamt up in her head.

I am that loser.

So, hate me or love me? Your choice.

It is all a trap

I have been thinking, and maybe I am a spoilt brat, but I have to say...

What's worse than disapproval?

DENIAL.

As usual, I shall remain vague and 'subtle' about the issues that bug me.

But, recently, I realised that I'd rather someone just tell me straight to my face what they think. I would very much rather that someone just tell me if they approve or disapprove.

I would very much prefer that and despise the DENIAL that the whole thing even exists and that the whole thing is a silly thing that I have cooked up in my head.

Because it is not. It may be very petty to them but it is big to me and them choosing to ignore my concerns makes me feel like I'm not being taken seriously.

----

It is as if my dreams, my own goals won't matter because ultimately, in the end, they will still insist on the goals and dreams they have dreamt up for me.

I appreciate all the guidance but I need to know that they won't judge when I tell them my goals which may be so different from what they are used to.

I admit that most of the time I do not know what I want. But that's not true.

Most of the time I know what I want but I want to know that it is truly the best for me.

It took me a long while but perhaps it is about going down the path that I want and making it the best for me.

---

I have always been honest with people.

But, how do I be honest with myself?

I am THAT free

I was not assigned any work at 'work' today hence I am extremely free.

So free, in fact, that I actually took some time out to fill out a 'planet pulse' survey form in hopes that I may win a Blackberry. Pftt. As if.

So free, in fact, I even checked my 'spam mail'. Apparently, I get a lot of mail regarding viagra. Mind you, I didn't open the emails. Though, I just may do so if someone is interested in knowing about this 80% discount on viagra.

So free, in fact, I am actually a quarter through someone's master dissertation on 'self advocacy' which is 205 pages long.

So free, in fact, I could play random games on this website http://www.lumosity.com/ and noone would actually care.

So free, in fact, that I decided to rant on blogspot.

Seriously, they really shouldn't have agreed to accept me if they were already going to have 8 chambering pupils. Oh well, at least I get some pocket money. That is as long as the guy of whose car I scratched does not call me back with a mechanic's bill.

Oh, btw, Happy New Year~!