scary world out there...

On my own now, I have to be the one to make my own decisions.

It is scary when there is no teacher, parent or someone older/wiser telling you which is wrong and which is right.

In the end, the tough decisions will still be on me. As it is for everyone. We choose our destiny, we choose our lives.

'To be brave and face my own decisions' is the one of the most important things that my luv has opened up my eyes to.

I shall be brave. I shall embrace.

But, first, I need to pass my final exams

Plus ones

I didn't know that we were at this age already.

The age where we have to consider our friend's plus ones tagging along.

The more the merrier, I say.

But, wow, I didn't know we were here already.

I am still holding on to my colourful, pattern-field, teenage-looking Converse shoes, thank you very much.

it is MY unreasonableness

my unreasonableness says to me to stop fighting.

go to those that you love.

those that are reasonable would find that unreasonable.

life is short, to be miserable or have money to cope with miserableness

the toughest part...

the toughest part about growing up is probably the expectation that you have to fix your problems yourself.

Anyway, I have been trying to wrap my head around the complexities of getting a visa here in Australia and when I needed a real solution, I could not turn to my parents. The only people that could really help me resolve anything were the professionals. I wrote emails to managers, HR personnel, lawyers and consultants just to cover all bases. Ultimately, I got the answers I needed. It just felt all quite impersonal.

Is this why we grow up desiring a partner because we get tired of fighting our own battles? We really just want a "partner in crime"?

Of course, I was able to whine and complain to my amazing friends and family who gave me encouragement and comfort. It just all feels a little lonely when they are not right by your side. I am, however, very grateful for technology that allows me to write emails, sms, whatsapp, google chat and make phone calls to all these people I trust.

It's just that sometimes I wish I did not have to smile or cry to myself in my room... alone...

Side Note: Maybe fighting your own battles is just a very European way of thinking.

I watched a video of Africans trying to make it Europe and they expressed that their biggest culture shock is how nobody wants to make your problem their business. They will not invite you into their homes if you are hungry and have no where else to go; and you should just forget it if you even hint that your visa is not exactly valid.

Why has years of capitalism and imperialism reduced society to such individualism instead of an increased engagement in community?

Throwing my pens around...

...will they flick back at me?

Maybe if they did then one could feel the pain

I am Generation Y

I am a product of Generation Y and I am constantly questioning...

Y should money come before Love?

It is funny how we have been trained to choose a career for ourselves. Choose something you enjoy, they always say. How many of us choose what we REALLY enjoy though? Even if we do end up doing something we really love, we ensure that it earns us some moolah (money).

But, own up, won't you? You actually enjoy just spending time with those you love and cherish, spend time indulging in the cultures like food, music and literature. Perhaps, also, you enjoy something else that is actually productive (like farming or an environmental lawyer) but reckon it would be a waste of your degree or would not provide enough money.

The generation before us invented the computer, the internet and created so much luxury for us to enjoy. They did all this with the motivation of gaining... money. Money so that they could lead a better life, a more comfortable life than they had before. Leaving us Gen Y with much at our disposal.

Some of Gen Y, like Mark Zuckerberg, embrace what they have been given and create even more.

Some decide that there is nothing more to create, nothing worth creating, nothing more to accomplish. They decide to remind us of our own mortality and destroy.

[I am reminded of this from the school shootings mentioned in the book 'We Need to Talk About Kevin'.]

Others choose to reach out to those of us who are less fortunate and help them through. As mentioned to me by my luv, only those with money would be most willing to do charity. Many in Gen Y have that luxury.

I am reminded of a partner in a firm I worked at who questioned why many of his employees decided to stop working and become missionaries or go off to pursue theology.

WHY? Because money has no meaning to them anymore.

Instead, maybe they want to reach out and touch humanity.

All I want to do is love, care and listen to people's stories. Not stories of accountants, lawyers or bankers, but real stories where the purpose of life is not a question but something truly lived.

[Reminds me of the lyrics from 'Time of Your Life' by Green Day - "It is not a question but a lesson learned in time".]

So, yes I am constantly asking 'Y'?.

I am afraid that I will die before I can expend all the love I have to offer.

[My usual disclaimer that these are just some of thoughts floating through my head. I may be wrong on so many levels. Feel free to bombard me if you disagree or even agree.]

hormones have reverted

I am sure I have blogged about this before. Where I state that I actually am unusually angsty and emotional but when PMS comes around, I am completely happy and satisfied.

So, my normal stance is to be emo, angsty and irrationally irritable. Lacking some hormones or just born this way?

Well, looking back. My emotions seem to generally be at the level of what people would normally call PMS and; people only tend to like me more when I am actually PMS-ing (which is when I'm all happy and bubbly).

Perhaps if I have nothing nice to say, I should not say anything at all. Ok, I shall keep my opinions and emotions to myself. ALLLLL to myself. That way no one would ever see my true self.

My life shall be led out with a poker face. Of which I already have anyways.

Sometimes it seems that I just do not want to allow myself to be happy.

Sometimes... I watch myself sabotage myself.