When no one is here

I have times where I just want to sit and stare without moving. Times like these are when I feel completely alone in the world. I question everything and feel the pointlessness of life rush over me. Though nothing really rushes over me, it just is.

I have come to learn that this feeling is not good for me to indulge in. So I try to reach out, and I will act out anyway. Push myself back into my own hole.

Sit and stare. Not speak. Let the tears roll.

Curious how this already lonely world can still find ways to make one feel even more alone.

The signs say

It feels like the energies of the universe really are pushing me to head home.

How come you are so tough?

I always wondered how come my family members can always be so sound and seem so strong.

Even when it seems like a time of vulnerability, they express the situation in a calm manner. Not optimistic or pessimistic. Just neutral and realistic.

Is it just because I'm the youngest?

It often feels like I'm the only one in my family that wears my emotions on my sleeve.

Times like these, I'm glad I hv Dd.

But I guess we all hv our own private weak moments. And, everyone chooses to handle them differently. I js wonder how my family got so tough.

scary world out there...

On my own now, I have to be the one to make my own decisions.

It is scary when there is no teacher, parent or someone older/wiser telling you which is wrong and which is right.

In the end, the tough decisions will still be on me. As it is for everyone. We choose our destiny, we choose our lives.

'To be brave and face my own decisions' is the one of the most important things that my luv has opened up my eyes to.

I shall be brave. I shall embrace.

But, first, I need to pass my final exams

Plus ones

I didn't know that we were at this age already.

The age where we have to consider our friend's plus ones tagging along.

The more the merrier, I say.

But, wow, I didn't know we were here already.

I am still holding on to my colourful, pattern-field, teenage-looking Converse shoes, thank you very much.

it is MY unreasonableness

my unreasonableness says to me to stop fighting.

go to those that you love.

those that are reasonable would find that unreasonable.

life is short, to be miserable or have money to cope with miserableness

the toughest part...

the toughest part about growing up is probably the expectation that you have to fix your problems yourself.

Anyway, I have been trying to wrap my head around the complexities of getting a visa here in Australia and when I needed a real solution, I could not turn to my parents. The only people that could really help me resolve anything were the professionals. I wrote emails to managers, HR personnel, lawyers and consultants just to cover all bases. Ultimately, I got the answers I needed. It just felt all quite impersonal.

Is this why we grow up desiring a partner because we get tired of fighting our own battles? We really just want a "partner in crime"?

Of course, I was able to whine and complain to my amazing friends and family who gave me encouragement and comfort. It just all feels a little lonely when they are not right by your side. I am, however, very grateful for technology that allows me to write emails, sms, whatsapp, google chat and make phone calls to all these people I trust.

It's just that sometimes I wish I did not have to smile or cry to myself in my room... alone...

Side Note: Maybe fighting your own battles is just a very European way of thinking.

I watched a video of Africans trying to make it Europe and they expressed that their biggest culture shock is how nobody wants to make your problem their business. They will not invite you into their homes if you are hungry and have no where else to go; and you should just forget it if you even hint that your visa is not exactly valid.

Why has years of capitalism and imperialism reduced society to such individualism instead of an increased engagement in community?