I needed a blood test...

I needed a blood test to tell me I'm stressed! 

Kinda funny since some ppl think I'm the most zen person in the world. 

But my blood test shows elevated levels of prolactin. Couldn't sleep so I decided to rearch causes for it. And the only culprit I could find was stress. 

Oh Sue-Anne. Everyone has been asking me "how are you?". I say "I'm ok." in an uncertain tone. Truth is, I have not been feeling motivated to do... Pretty much anything. But I keep telling myself to push on.

Now, looking at my blood test and thinking back, I guess "I'm not ok." 

Thanks, mummy for pushing me to see a doctor. As usual, you know me best. I don't know when I'm suffering from something. 

I guess all my stress feels trivial to everything everyone else goes through. So I tell myself constantly to remain calm and not stress. But all this time, am holding up the stress all up in here. In my f*cking pituitary gland. 

I hate myself for not being able to handle such trivial FWPs! 

Now that's just gonna lead to more stress isn't it?! 

The inevitable

... But u know, he defied a lot of odds. 

He always does what is best for the family.

We will always love you... I know you are looking down from a higher plane laughing. That's the image I see in my mind. 

Thanks daddy. Missing you so so much. 

Opening my chakra

'twas the day they opened my chakra. 

Now I'm not sure how much I believe in it. But I let myself go... Let myself believe in the light that is good universal energy flowing into my father. 

Then an image came to mind. It just hit me. The image of daddy teaching me how to ride a bike. I rmb the bike, the field and the tree I hit. Most of all I remembered daddy's energetic and positive voice. Booming as it always does. 

From that image in mind sprung tears. Tears I could not stop. They flowed and flowed.

You are here now but yet I miss you already...  

If you wanna...

Honestly, if you just want a reason to tear us apart. Then YOU give me a solid reason and example for why it shouldn't be. 

We are in front of you. You tell me a solid case of what you see. 

You say I am young and shallow and do not see. That hurts because for once I feel like I am being young rather than years beyond my age. It's liberating and makes me excited about life. 

Your words have, again, the effect of making lose that drive to move. 

Why can't you let me be at my own pace instead of being angry that I'm not at your level. 

It hurts and feels unfair. 

I'm 25 but it feels that only now I'm experiencing what I should have as a teenager. 

Call me naive, call me shallow. At this point I have shut it all down. 

Who?

Who am I, really? 

Is it being suppressed? 

Am I just burnt out? 

It has only been 1.5 years. 

They say you got to be fearless to make a change in your life. 

I planned for 10 years to be here. 

Now all I want to do is leave. 

Where to? 

I'm not sure. 

Am I brave enough?

Perhaps. 

But I want to complete what I have started.

At least to a certain extent.  

Am I just being naive? 

Can ppl rly find sth to do that makes them happy? 

Am I just burnt out? 

Do I know who I rly am? 

They say they have never insisted on me being sth that THEY wanted me to be. 

Then, why do I feel like I have been defined by their visions of me? 

Do I rly know who I am? 

Or is it being shadowed by visions of who I should be? 

Who am I, really? 

If you won't be reasonable...

... Then neither shall I.

Heavy heart

My heart is heavy.

Heavy with people's doubts and fears.

Am I delusional to be optimistic?