hormones have reverted

I am sure I have blogged about this before. Where I state that I actually am unusually angsty and emotional but when PMS comes around, I am completely happy and satisfied.

So, my normal stance is to be emo, angsty and irrationally irritable. Lacking some hormones or just born this way?

Well, looking back. My emotions seem to generally be at the level of what people would normally call PMS and; people only tend to like me more when I am actually PMS-ing (which is when I'm all happy and bubbly).

Perhaps if I have nothing nice to say, I should not say anything at all. Ok, I shall keep my opinions and emotions to myself. ALLLLL to myself. That way no one would ever see my true self.

My life shall be led out with a poker face. Of which I already have anyways.

Sometimes it seems that I just do not want to allow myself to be happy.

Sometimes... I watch myself sabotage myself.

The Teddies...

... they let me in even when I was pimply and still acted like a child.

(sorry ar, Kai not here but she is very much missed too :)) PS: did we ever managed to get a photo all together yet?

Because I was just flipping through old cards and came across the photo-book the Teddies gave me way back when I was 19 years old.

"parting is such sweet sorrow"

parting is sweet sorrow

I understand it now

I look around the room

everything is scattered

yet there is nothing

but then I find...

your book, your scent and even a piece of your hair

I smile.

Only you can make me smile and cry at the same time

you make parting so sad yet so sweet

you play me a song, telling me that you love me

you play me a song, telling me that you dream of me even when we're apart

darlin, only you can make such emptiness whole again.

feeling reality...

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something about artists

Artists... I admire how their brains work.

A few people whose work I can't help but gawk at.

The Bedroom Philosopher (who Carol, Edgar and I recently interviewed on 9th Oct http://www.polyfonix.com.au/listen.html)

Mondo Guerra: one of the designers on 'Project Runway'

Mark Watson: UK stand up comedian

Rage Against the Machine: rock out!!!

James Nachtwey: technically a journalistic photographer but... he cool yo

Tina Fey: come on, you gotta know who she is!

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Jiayueh Choong: me fren, ze artist

http://jiayueh.blogspot.com/

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And, of course... DINO!: http://www.muziboo.com/daveyoong/music/sunshine/

my inherent desire to punish myself

I realised when I find things are going too smoothly, I have an inner desire to hurt myself.

I push people away, make myself depressed, sometimes numb my emotions and bite/tear at my skin.

It is as if it is only then I can feel a little bit more connected to this world.

My mother was right, there is always a hint of sadness in my "attempted poetries". Even when I try to write a happy one.

Deep down, I honestly do believe that I do not deserve to be happy.

I question everything that has gone right.

I am sorry.

bitch on...

sometimes I wonder whether to be a bitch or to be bitched upon

a few things in life have been troubling me and I have been turning a blind eye hoping it would all just smoothen out eventually or even just go away.

Instead, all became too much and I had to blurt out all my frustrations. And, I never find that I am justified to complain about anything, no matter how much it bothers me. Yet enduring the trampling is not healthy.

Ah well, what is done is done. If I shall be punish for my mistakes, so be it! I shall take the bashing, I will take the hits.